I’m a solo polyamorous hetero-romantic pansexual cisgendered man. My serious romantic relationships have all been with cis women, but most of my sex partners are men. Since I bottom when I am with men, most people think I must be closeted or suffer from “internalized homophobia.” This has caused tension with the women I date, ranging anywhere from women not wanting to be with me because they think I am “living a lie” to a recent situation where I was repeatedly “outed” by a bi female poly partner who told people (friends, random gay men) that I was “into guys” and “bi.”

I asked her many times to stop, explaining that while those labels may be accurate when I’m in a kink club or my doctor’s office, it is up to me to decide when to use them and with whom. And because I am hetero-romantic, I do not identify as pan or bi outside of those specific places. I think “LGBTQ” labels identify who one loves, whereas to me it is simply a description as the types of sex I enjoy. I had to end things with this woman over this and when I explained why she never admitted to doing anything wrong. While a part of me wants to just not tell women I date about my other partners, I know I can’t since my having sex with men who also have sex with men has health implications for my female partners. How do I convince women that disclosing my sexual preferences without my consent is wrong?  How can men like me maintain our sexual privacy while responsibly disclosing relevant information to sex partners?

Pissed About Non-Necessary Erotic Disclosures

The first sentence of your letter is the most LGBTQ shit I’ve ever read in my life...

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