Hello there, sexy things. It's another week, and thusly, another Trash Report. You may notice that this Trash Report is coming to you a day late, and that is because I am one of many workers who got to enjoy yesterday off in honor of Labor Day. Thank you, Unions, for your hard and disruptive work! Without the longer weekend, I never would have had the chance to powerwatch Dance Monsters on Netflix, which has had a profound impact on my wellbeing. Jury's still out on if the impact was good or bad, but it was something. Would you like to join me in perusing the latest in news and gossip? Well, we're going!
Age Ain't Nothing but a Number but It IS a Factor in the Declining Efficacy of American Politicians
The United States of America had another opportunity to wonder if entrusting ancient millionaires with keeping the wheels on this thing was the best plan when Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell froze—again—while speaking to the press. Many Republicans have leapt to his defense, insisting that even though we can see what is happening with our functional eyeballs, he is "perfectly capable." Of course, this comes from the same party that described oft-indicted former President Donald Trump as perfectly capable, so I wonder if maybe the phrase just means something different for them? Can we get a codebreaker over here to tell us what they're trying to say? Maybe if you rearrange the letters it spells out "totally whacked out of his gourd" or something.
This is not to shame McConnell for aging. We all do it! I myself have been known to age from time to time (though less often since I found Botox). I just thinkin' it's important for people to be realistic about their faculties. I've certainly never deluded myself into thinking that my faculties render me in any way qualified to hold any position of power, ever. Even when my dog ignores my very basic suggestions, I'm just like, "okay, that's fair."
Not Burning, Not All Men
In other rough news for bummer people, the annual Burning Man festival was flooded out by heavy rain this past weekend, trapping thousands of wealthy people in a giant mud pit while challenging the rest of us to be good people who do not rejoice in the misfortune of others. Many ignored organizers' pleas to shelter in place until conditions were safe again for driving, including such famous attendees as Chris Rock and Diplo, who reportedly hiked six miles on foot out of there. Which sounds really shitty. But to call it "a harrowing escape" is a little much, right? People who survived the Maui wildfires had harrowing escapes. Rock and Diplo had a wet hike. Like, let's get real here. Anyway, as of press time the playa was still too soggy to burn the effigy that gives the title its name, and I suggest changing the name to reflect today's climate reality. Do we think "Moist Person" will catch on?
The world lost two excellent specimens this past week with the (unrelated) deaths of Jimmy Buffet and former Smash Mouth lead singer Steve Harwell. Both were widely beloved for being widely beloved, which is a pretty serious feat for an older white guy (see Mitch McConnell, above). They are a category of men for which "rest in peace" is too weak a platitude. My dudes, my all-stars, my mayors of Margaritaville: May you chill in paradise, forever.
just in case you have ever done something embarrassing and thought nobody would remember it over a decade later i am on the subway thinkin about a guy i worked with who thought kim jong il was called “kim jong 2”— sarah hagi (@KindaHagi) August 27, 2023
In other vibe shifts, while it's still technically summer, the return of Portland kids to schools has signaled the unofficial start of fall. I embrace my inner basic bitch and am excited to lean deep into the When Harry Met Sally sweater aesthetic. So what better time for there to be a new rom-com with patron saint of happy endings Meg Ryan? She's got a new movie coming out with David Duchovny where they star as exes who reunite when stuck at an airport, and my nose literally scrunched up in disgust about what a horrible setting that is for romance. The airport?! Where stale bagels cost $12 and you have to put the cream cheese on yourself while sitting on your luggage next to a coughing man inexplicably talking on speaker phone? The airport, where every attempted dosage of an edible is completely and mind-bendingly wrong? The airport, where every fart belongs in the fart museum of historically weird farts?!? Nobody is in love at the airport! But leave it to Meg Ryan to make me believe it's possible. I can't wait! :)
Ends of Eras
Lea Michele has ended her celebrated run as Fanny Brice in Funny Girl on Broadway. The portrayal was much buzzed about because of the unceremonious departure of Beanie Feldstein, but Michele has won over crowds and critics with her starring turn. Congrats, Lea, on your victorious run! Or should I say: 👏👍!
In other Lea Michele news (is there ever enough? No.) gossip blog Crazy Days and Nights revealed that the cast of Glee reunited on the SAG-AFTRA picket line intentionally on a date when Lea Michele could not attend, so strong is their distaste for her. Welp, she's out of a job now, so good luck keeping her away from future reunions! But imagine for a moment the power of several 30-something actors pretending to be teenagers, joining together to sing "Don't Stop Believin'" outside the AMPTP offices? They'd immediately be like "fuck this, here's your dumb contract." Hey, no bad ideas in a brainstorm.
The other era that might be ending is the union of Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner. A bunch of gossip blogs have been announcing their likely divorce in the past few days, with as many gossip blogs breathlessly sharing every time Jonas is spotted with or without his wedding ring. If he's not too sad, there is some genius trolling potential here. What if Joe Jonas started wearing the ring on a chain as a necklace like Carrie did after Aiden proposed on Sex and the City? Or are we not ready for that conversation? I like Joe and Sophie together, but divorce can be a blessing so I hope they're happy with wherever their perfect bone structures may find themselves.
Lake Oswego CEO Robert Kohnle pled guilty last week to tax fraud for having pocketed $24 million in payroll deductions from his clients' employees. The whole business was payroll deductions, and that is precisely what he was stealing! Truly so simple, yet so diabolical. According to The Oregonian, he'd stated on LinkedIn, "I believe that employees are a capital asset, not a disposable resource." Hey dude, if your plan is to steal from employees, maybe don't announce that you see them as capital?
OPINION: Portland's "death" has been greatly exaggerated—and in doing so, city conservatives are willfully ignoring the true cause of homelessness.https://t.co/kxf8igRDLU— Portland Mercury 🗞 (@portlandmercury) September 3, 2023
Since the whole theme of today's column is accidentally clues and mysteries, I hope you enjoy this: a time capsule was unearthed at Roseway Heights middle school, which was formerly known as Gregory Heights elementary school, which was formerly the school of beloved Oregon author Beverly Cleary. This includes a roll of student signatures where the name Beverly is clearly scrawled along with such old-timey names as Roland, Buela, Harry, Louise, Grace, Ward, Batrice, and Evelyn. Is this the first signature of the would-be author? Or is this the roster of my daughter's present-day 2nd-grade class who are all seemingly named for their great-great-aunts? Could go either way.
Okay, I'll leave you to it. Remember, it's Tuesday, so you're already behind for the week. Happy Labor Day indeed!